<?
/*
 * Dwarf - A Social Module
*/

$dwarf = new dwarf($bot);

class dwarf Extends BaseActiveModule
{
	
	function __construct (&$bot)
	{
		parent::__construct(&$bot, get_class($this));

		$this -> register_command('all', 'reddwarf', 'GUEST');

		$help['description'] = "Quotes from Red Dwarf.";
	}
	
	function command_handler($name, $msg, $origin)
	{
		$this->error->reset(); //Reset the error message so we don't trigger the handler by old error messages.

		return $this -> get_dwarfs($name);
	}

   
    function get_dwarfs($name)
    {
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "I am Holly, the ship's computer, with an IQ of 6000, the same IQ as 6000 PE teachers.";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Rimmer: Look, just because it's an armour-plated alien killing machine that salivates unspeakable slobber doesn't mean it's a bad person. What we've got to do is get it round a table and put together a solution package - perhaps over tea and biscuits.";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "The thing about Captain Oates... the thing you have to remember about Captain Oates... Captain Oates... Captain Oates was a prat.";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Cat: How come you need more memory? Over the years you've had more RAM than a field of sheep!";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Cat: Hey, I got it! We laser our way through!? Kryten: Ah, an excellent suggestion, Sir, with just two minor drawbacks. One, we don't have a power source for the lasers, and two, we don't have any lasers.";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "We could go back to Dallas in November 1963, stand on the grassy knoll, and shout 'Duck!'";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Nothing wrong with dog's milk. Full of goodness, full of vitamins, full of marrowbone jelly.";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Well, the thing about a black hole - it's main distinguishing feature - is it's black. And the thing about space, your basic space colour is black. So how are you supposed to see them?";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "(Ace Rimmer to Rimmer) Your nickname was never Ace. Maybe Ace Hole.";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Kryten: Oh, screw down my diodes and call me Frank!";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Cat: This sounds like a 12 change of underwear trip.";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Lister: Get real man. Most eunuchs have got more balls than you.";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Cat: I've been so worried I haven't buffed my shoes in two days.";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Kryten: Starbug was built to last sir. This old baby's crashed more times than a ZX81.";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Cat: There's one thing you should know. Last time we met I was wearing a cute little black number with peach trim and gold spangles, and although it looks like I'm wearing the same outfit today, it is in fact an entirely different cute little black number, with completely different gold spangles!";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Lister: What, they fixed your core program and then decided they'd be better off without you? Kryten: Yeah, it was shortly after they met me.";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Kochanski: Have you ever heard of something called 'tough love'? Kryten: Does it involve dressing up?";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Rimmer: Well, we know what to get you for Christmas. A double labotomy and six rolls of rubber wallpaper.";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Rimmer: I've seen Westerns, I know how to speak cowboy. Steps up to the bar. Rimmer: Dry white wine and Perrier, please .";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Duane Dibley: So this is really me? A no-style gimbo with teeth druids could use as a place of worship?";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Rimmer: You don't think there's anything amiss? I'm sitting here wearing a red and white checked gingham dress and army boots and you think that's un-amiss?";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Kryten: Oh, spin my nipple nuts and send me to Alaska!";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Kochanski: This is the first time I've ever been seduced by predeterminism theory.";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Rimmer: Do you think it's because the sub-space conduits have locked with the transponder calibrations and caused a major tachyon surge that has overloaded the time matrix? Kryten: Ah, no, sir. I've just been jabbing it too hard.";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Rimmer: Erm, I think we're losing sight of the real issue here, which is 'What are we gonna call ourselves?' Erm, and I think it comes down to a choice between 'The League Against Salivating Monsters' or my own personal preference, which is 'The Committee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation Into Society'. Erm, one drawback with that - the abbreviation is 'CLITORIS'.";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Rimmer: Now kindly cluck off, before I extract your gibblets, and shove a large seasoned onion between the lips you never kiss with.";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Well, the thing about a black hole - it's main distinguishing feature - is it's black. And the thing about space, your basic space colour is black. So how are you supposed to see them?";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "No look, I'm you from the future. I've come to warn you that in 3 million years you'll be dead!";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Kryten: Garbled, confusing and quite frankly duller than an in-flight magazine produced by Air Belgium!";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Kryten: But if people see my face, what are they going to think?";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Rimmer: Tell them you had an accident. Tell them you took your car to the crushers and forgot to get out.";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Please rush me my portable walrus polishing kit. Four super brushes that will clean even the trickiest of seabound mammals. Yes, I am over eighteen, though my IQ isn't.";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Rimmer: You actually expect something to go right for me? Arnold schmucko Rimmer? Tosspot by royal appointment?";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Okay! But don't come running to me the next time you need someone to play Soap-Sud-Slalom down the cargo ramp. You can carry your own damn flags!";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Rimmer: I used to be in the Samaritans. Lister: I know. For one morning. Rimmer: I couldn't take any more. Lister: I don't blame you. You spoke to five people and they all committed suicide. I wouldn't mind, but one was a wrong number! He only phoned up for the cricket scores!";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Broadcast on all frequencies and all known languages, including Welsh.";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Cat: Forget red - let's go all the way up to brown alert! Kryten: There's no such thing as a brown alert sir. Cat: You won't be saying that in a minute!";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Kryten: I have a medium-sized fire axe buried in my spinal column. That sort of thing can really put a crimp on your day.";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Cat: As soon as they see me they'll only have to force me into platform shoes and flared trousers and I'll sing like Tweetie Pie.";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "We are talking jape of the decade. We are talking April, May, June, July and August fool. Yes, that's right! I am Queeg!";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Lister: Don't give me the Star Trek crap. It's too early in the morning.";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "My brain's rebelled. It just won't accept nice things happening to me.";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "There's a bodybag out there with that scudball's name on it, and I'm doing up the zip. Anyone who gets in my way gets a napalm enema.";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Let's at least ask someone who's going to give us a slightly more intelligent opinion. Hello, wall! What do you think?";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Lister: I tell you one thing. I've been to a parallel universe, I've seen time running backwards, I've played pool with planets, and I've given birth to twins, but I never thought in my entire life I'd taste an edible Pot Noodle.";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Stop! Stop! No more. I'm not moving another yard on this thing. I'm getting a parting in the back of my head!";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Cat: You're going to go with one of my plans? Are you nuts? What happens if we all get killed? I'll never hear the last of it.";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "An IQ of 6? Do me a lemon! That's a poor IQ for a glass of water!";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "According to the log we're down to our last 3000 vomit bags. It'll never be enough.";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "The time for talking is over. Now call it extreme if you like, but I propose we hit it hard, and we hit it fast, with a major, and I mean major, leaflet campaign.";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "The only lifeforms, the most basic single-celled protozoa, and me. Relationships would be difficult, but not impossible.";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Time is a great healer. Unless it's a rash, then you're better off with ointment.";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Just let me check: thermos, sandwiches, corn plasters, telephone money, dandruff brush, animal footprint chart, and one triple thick condom... you never know!";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Cat: 'Cat do this!' 'Cat do that!' What am I? A dog?";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "This isn't a meal. This is an autopsy!";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Kryten, unpack Rachel and get out the puncture repair kit. I'm alive!";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "The thought occurs that we haven't actually reached earth. The even further thought occurs that we haven't budged a smegging inch.";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Lister: Well, if you've got some amazing secret plan up your sleeve, Kryten, now's the time to mention it. Kryten: No plan, sir. No sleeves.";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Causality? Well, OK, you know, one event causes another, OK, but sometimes, you just gotta say, the laws of time and space? Who gives a smeg!";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Rimmer: Kryten, kindly get to the point before I jam your nose between your cheeks and make it the filling of a buttock sandwich.";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "We'd better get a job. But what jobs are there in a backwards reality for a dead hologram and an android with a head shaped like a novelty condom?";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "You're really mean with money. You're a tremendous physical coward. You once spent an afternoon on the Samaritans switchboard and four people commited suicide. Your middle name is Judas but you tell everyone that it's Jonathan. you sign all your official letters Arnold Rimmer BSc and the BSc stands for Bronze Swimming Certificate. You're a cheating, weasley, low-life scumbucket with all the charm and social grace of a pubic louse.";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "He told me, that in a previous incarnation, I was Alexander the Great's chief eunuch.";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "I'm so gorgeous, there's a six month waiting list for birds to suddenly appear, every time I am near!";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "An excellent and inventive suggestion, sir, with just two tiny drawbacks: a) We don't have any jet-powered rocket pants; and b) there's no such thing as jet-powered rocket pants outside the fictional serial Robbie Rocket Pants.";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "When the going gets tough, the tough go have a little cry in the corner.";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Follow the Rimmer-shaped blur.";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Rimmer: Step up to Red Alert! Kryten: Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb.";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "I have a mind to fill your boots with runny porridge again. That'll teach you a lesson about maturity.";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Ace Rimmer, There'll be time for introductions later, and maybe some sex.";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Love is a device invented by bank managers to make us overdrawn.";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "So let me get this straight. You want to fly on a magic carpet to see the King of the Potato People and plead with him for your freedom, and you're telling me you're completely sane?";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Kryten,No silicon heaven? Preposterous! Where would all the calculators go?";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "We have three realistic alternatives: (1) Sit here and get blown up, (2) Stand here and get blown up, (3) Jump up and down, shout at me for not being able to think of anything, then get blown up.";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Cat: I'm not asking you to do anything I wouldn't do. Rimmer: You? You'd sacrifice your life for the good of the crew? Cat: No! I'd sacrifice your life for the good of the crew.";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Cat: That entire panel's deader than A-Line flares with pockets in the knees!";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Rimmer: That suit's as sharp a page of Oscar Wilde witticisms that have been rolled up into a point, sprinkled with lemon juice and jabbed into someone's eye!";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Cat: Hey, this is mine. That's mine. All this is mine. I'm claiming all this as mine. Except that bit. I don't want that bit. But all the rest of this is mine. Hey, this has been a really good day. I've eaten five times, I've slept six times, and I've made a lot of things mine. Tomorrow, I'm gonna see if I can't have sex with something.";
		$dwarf_quotes[] = "Kochanski: How did I end up like this? On a ship where the fourth most popular pastime is going down to the laundry room and watching my knickers spin dry?";
		return $dwarf_quotes[rand(0,sizeof($dwarf_quotes)-1)];
    }
}
?>